Well, today was a major Eeyore day.  After the wonderful blessing of Mike getting a job yesterday, I realized that I had a bill due today that was $200 more than what I had.  Add to this the nearly empty cupboards/fridge, upcoming church youth camping trip for which Rachel needed money and the knowledge that although we both now have jobs, we won't be getting any paychecks until the end of Aug. for me and unknown timeframe for Mike.  Needless to say, I did not wake up in the best of moods.

For my daily devotions, I have been reading through Psalms.  Today's selections all were praises to God for his goodness and protection.  I hate to admit it, but my attitude after reading was not one of praise, but one of self-pity.  "God, if you are so good, why is my life so crummy right now.  Why are you not providing for my needs?"  Now remember, Mike just got a job yesterday and I was hired as a teacher last month.  Was I seeing the whole picture?  Of course not!  However, like I said, I tend to be Eeyore...always seeing the cloud above me.  To be honest, what I was looking for was a miraculous rescue from my financial troubles. But that was not God's plan for me for today.  He had something better and more lasting for me.

God did provide the money I needed for the bill and a few groceries, just not the way I wanted.   I had to put aside my pride once again and ask for a loan.  Of course the money was available and given in love and grace, but it was hard for me to see it as God-given.  After a highly unproductive day of sitting under my cloud, feeling sorry for myself, I decided to take a long, hot bath.  I decided to read a book a started a while ago, but never finished.  I almost started where I had left off, but since it had been so long, I decided to begin it again.  Long story short, through the life of Sarah, I was reminded that God always keeps his promises, even when we have to wait for them.  Sarah's faith (so great to land her in the Hebrews 11 "Hall of Faith") was developed through the difficult times of her life.  Rather than bemoaning the trials of life and times of waiting on God, I should be looking forwards to the promises of the future.

Added to the lessons of Sarah, a friend posted the following on her Facebook status today.

  "Faith's most severe test come not when we see nothing, but when we see a stunning array of evidence that seems to prove our faith in vain. If God were God, if he were omnipotent, if He cared, would this have happened?" -Elizabeth Eliot "These Strange Ashes" 

Okay, God, I think I am beginning to get the picture. You are providing.  Perhaps not in the way I want, but providing in wonderful ways.  You have NEVER failed to keep your promises.  Did I take giant step of faith today?  No.  Perhaps I took a very small baby step.  Will I have to learn this lesson again?  Probably.  Perhaps this is what Paul was referring to when he urged the Philippian Christians to continue to work out their salvation. (Philippians 2:12)  Baby steps forward and big steps back is definitely hard work!

I do not share this story to get sympathy.  Yes, today has been tough.  Yes, the last year has been horrible.  But it is not your sympathy that I am looking for.  I know that I am not the only one who struggles with these issues of faith.  I am not the only one who fails to see the ways God is providing because I am focusing on how I want him to provide.  I share this to let you know that I am right there with you...growing my faith baby step by baby step, sometimes taking big steps backwards, and learning that it is through adversity that God teaches us.  Perhaps some day I will learn to be more like Tigger, taking life as it comes and always seeing the best in all situations.  Until then, I will keep working and try to remember that within that cloud is the rainbow of God's promises.